I wonder when this feeling goes away. That time, it, for sure, isn’t today.
I often feel like my head is too full. It moves too fast, what goes on in there, so much so I don’t often have a good idea of what is actually going on in my head. To know would be to stop and stand still, but I feel like I’ve been standing here a long time. My feet have gone numb. They’re not even tingling. I know if I move, I’ll stumble so it’s paralyzing. To know what was going on in my head would be to allow that paralysis to slowly creep up my spine.
My back didn’t used to hurt the way it does now. I would get an aggravated nerve in my neck every so now and again, but nothing like the discomfort sitting on a couch in the same position for hours will create. My legs grow roots into the cushions, the heat of my laptop warming the roots so they grow even deeper. Those roots don’t get sunlight, just the warm glow of a computer or dimly lit backlight of the TV to help them… but thank goodness they don’t need a lot of light to grow. It’s like it could happen in the dark.
Sometimes I grow roots where I am in the dark. Even more so these days, because time feels largely irrelevant. It drags in skin searing seconds during the daytime hours. Somehow, when darkness does fall sometime late, late into the evening, I’m even more tired than I was when I drifted off to sleep the night before. There’s a possibility I’ve moved from one couch to another, one chair to a different one. Maybe I’ve made it to bed.
Bed isn’t necessarily a 4 post queen piece of furniture. It’s more the act of going to bed, but I guess you could just call that falling asleep. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch, hoping for something. I don’t know what. Maybe for a special feature or a new episode of some streaming original to drop so there’s a little something to look forward to. Maybe tomorrow, someone will surprise everyone and discover the cure to world hunger overnight.
I wonder if anyone thinks about that right now, or if they’re too scared about what their future will look like when someone clears all the clouds? I wonder whether or not we can trust a “new normal”, or if that, too, will end up changing. We’re not going to know much of anything until the dust settles, the clouds give way, or humanity drowns in the rain.
Gray, rainy days are best served cool during the fall — preferably when the holidays start to trickle in one after another. The weather is the perfect excuse to stay inside, maybe sleep in a little bit or at least spend the day lazily absorbing the coziness of home. I do love a gray day. There’s something that makes it feel never ending, which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your point of view.
When it rains for a few days in a row, do you get a little stir-crazy? Do you find yourself running out of things to do as fast as you would be out of a dry outfit the moment you walked outside?
Claustrophobia is the fear of small places — I know, I looked it up to make sure I get this right.
Cleithrophobia is the fear of being trapped — I know, I’ve been stuck here on this gray, rainy day for a long time, and nothing is making it go away. All the rain is making my roots a little stronger, but to be honest, the ground is so wet it feels like they’re rotting.
I love gray, rainy days here and there. Or the power of a thunderstorm shower and the feeling of hot electricity on the air after. Right now, the water in the air sits on your skin like a heavy blanket outside. It’s almost hard to breathe. That feeling always gets my mind racing, like I’m being trapped inside my own body — I’ve been trapped here for a while, taking up residence about the time we stopped leaving the house.
Anyways, I wonder when this feeling goes away since certainly, that isn’t today.
